As I stated previously, impact is extremely important to me. Living my life in a way that it impacts the world for Jesus. In a way that my action and activities, the way I spend my time and the relationships in which I invest, have a lasting, eternal impact.
I have been down lately. I’ve been feeling uninspired and aimless and pointless.
And I recently came to the conclusion that it is because it appears I am not making any impact right now.
Time is slipping by, and nothing I am doing currently seems to have any eternal value.
I spent nearly a decade working with college students, pouring myself into them and watching them be transformed by Jesus, developing a deep love for Him and His Word and a passion to make Him known. Not just known by name or association, but deeply and intimately known.
That was hard, and it was draining. At times it was extremely discouraging. But overall, it was so fulfilling.
Then God birthed a church body that meets in our house and together strives to be the Church. And God moved my focus from college students to this new body and I poured myself into the body. Desiring to cast the vision that we are the Church. It’s not the gatherings or the building; it’s us. And we each have gifts that are necessary to the body and we each must actively participate in and serve the body. And Church is not a spectator sport.
This has been a journey. And we certainly have not arrived and we are not without our struggles and hurdles and growing pains. But we now have the same vision and the body is no longer an infant needing constant care.
So today, I watch my parents pouring themselves into students. And I watch my sister devoting her days to loving, guiding, and caring for her new child. And I look around and I see no impact from me.
I look around and I don’t see how God is using me, and I don’t see lives that are being changed, and I don’t see any purpose. And I don’t know where to look to find it.
I don’t know if it’s time to go and do and change, or if it’s time to listen and wait and be still.
Over the past decade, each time I ask, “What next?” the answer is always the same: “Be still. Be still and know that I am God.” And then He brings people into my life with whom I can share all that He is teaching me.
But now, I’m looking around, and I’m not seeing the people. I’m not seeing my purpose. I get joy from having purpose, and without purpose, joy is hard to come by.
If life is not spent impacting the world for God, then what’s the point?
I am desperately in need of purpose.